


in case you show up

by idlesong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Open to Interpretation, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 10:50:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15141482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idlesong/pseuds/idlesong
Summary: The table is being wiped down when Jaehyun chances a look out to see what the man is doing. He’s on another cigarette. He still smokes them more leisurely than Jaehyun ever did, ever could. The man glances away from his paper cup to make eye contact with him, but Jaehyun looks away.





	in case you show up

**Author's Note:**

> **warning:** references to self-harm and depression. the severity of one character’s situation by the end of the story varies depending on interpretation. (this fic is rated mature for the nature of its content, but it isn't explicit.)
> 
> this is different, but it’s close to something i’ve been meaning to write. it still feels like myself, if that makes any sense at all, not that other things i’ve written haven’t felt like myself either. it’s a café au but it’s not cute or anything and i’m sorry lmao. i promise it’s not angst for the sake of angst. recommended listening includes [cigarette](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AamatUtxev4) by offonoff and [the unknown guest](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94fp3JmwlN8) by dean.
> 
> i don’t mean for this to be a romantic story. it’s sad and it’s meant to be a bit of a bare plot with one setting and no importance to the side characters. that being said i know this isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. i don’t mean to make light of the themes by any means, nor do i mean to romanticize them. there are discussions of mental health and self harm and unhealthy coping mechanisms. they won’t be universal experiences by any means but they're sincere.
> 
> ** dates are important to get a sense of the progression of time, as well as one more thing. **

_April 14_

Spring’s supposed to have picked up by now. The calendar says so, but the weather hasn’t. Having to pull out the patio tables and chairs every morning seems premature, but Jaehyun doesn’t make it a habit to question things. It’s not his business anyway.

He’s an employee, in a dress shirt that’s gotten starchy from the bleach and a vest too tight from the tumble drying. He always forgets to hang it up. It’s either that or blasting it with a blowdryer right before work. He would be more ashamed of attempting it if he didn’t live alone, but he does, so he doesn’t care.

Jaehyun doesn’t do much. This job is fine while he takes less classes than most because school is too expensive and work takes up too much time. His compromise is to do a little of each. It’s a tedious method but it’s all he can do. Therefore it’s fine.

The café is small. It serves drinks Johnny the barista (and the manager, technically) calls “no-nonsense”. He used to work at a Starbucks and told Jaehyun that he’d rather gnaw his hand off at the wrist than make another pumpkin cinnamon dolce spice latte with three shakes of nutmeg in the blender. The most complicated thing anyone gets here is a hot chocolate. Little modifications available. Soy milk if Johnny or Jaehyun remembers to call the retailer. (Often not.)

This is one of many entrepreneurship ventures of the owner. It doesn’t require too much attention from her so she doesn’t give it. The café doesn’t do much but exist. It’s not in the centre of the metropolis, but it’s close to enough student housing to get a steady flow of burnt out young adults looking for caffeine and electrical outlets. They recharge a gadget and themselves and go.

There’s no more than five tables inside, maybe room for thirteen people at a time. Seventeen if you counted the patio. If it could even be called that.

It consists of whatever furniture can fit between the storefront and the black gate without blocking the entrance. There’s a flower shop next door. Sometimes the woman who works there will come over and make conversation with Johnny, mostly, because Jaehyun’s not too chatty at work. He’s cordial enough for tips, conversational and friendly with Johnny because he likes him, but nothing more than necessary.

During the winter, however, Joohyun came often enough that the both of them got to know her decently well. She’d get a coffee and Johnny would comp it, saying the favours would stack up into a bouquet if he ever needed it. Joohyun said he should get a few succulents instead. Roses wilt.

Time passes too slowly inside the café and Jaehyun interchanges it with his life. Classes go on and work can be dull. Johnny is nice, but has his life together in a way that threatens Jaehyun because he is a coward. Johnny is doing this in the daytime because he’s saving up to move next year. Deferred an acceptance to a grad school somewhere in Europe. Guaranteed a network and a career and a happy life.

Jaehyun doesn’t know where his life’s headed yet, knows that’s okay, but can’t shake the uneasiness of it. Maybe he’ll be in the same place forever, hold the same apathy.

The metal of the gate is cold when he goes to unlock it. It creaks in an unpleasant way he’s never gotten used to as it opens. Johnny’s wiping down the counters inside. They’re open for business, he supposes, but they both could have showed up half an hour late and not missed a thing.

There’s still some snow on the ground and it makes Jaehyun scowl. Seeing it reminds him to feel cold in a near unbearable way. He’s turning to go inside when he notices someone coming down the street. He goes back into the café anyway, wants to ask Johnny about napkin restocking and how one gets a jam stain off their linens.

All hope seems lost at the strawberry jelly conundrum. The bell attached to the door frame jingles. Jaehyun straightens his posture from his former position, hunched over folded arms on the counter.

“Welcome,” Johnny says. Jaehyun thinks of echoing him and deems it pointless. The customer, a man Jaehyun guesses is about their age, nods in acknowledgement and approaches them.

“Small coffee,” the man says. His voice is low but not deep. If there was one more conversation amid the soft music playing in the background the man wouldn’t be audible.

Johnny nods. “Room for milk?”

“No.” The man pauses, contemplates. “Can I smoke on your patio?”

Jaehyun and Johnny look at each other. They aren’t sure themselves.

“I guess. It’s not like anyone else is going to sit outside,” Jaehyun says. Johnny is already turned around getting his coffee. He slides it back to the man in a paper cup, the stamped logo of a star on the side.

The man slides back a five dollar bill and drops the change in the tip jar. Jaehyun continues his idle chatter with Johnny once the man’s sat outside. He has a cigarette and leaves when Jaehyun isn’t looking.

 

_April 30_

The two women get up from their table and Jaehyun thanks them with his customer-service smile that’s too phony to be believable. He’s gotta work on it.

Or maybe it’s okay, considering they left a heftier tip than he deserves. Maybe they just think he’s handsome. That works too. Different trains lead to Seoul.

The man from last week comes in, Jaehyun recognizes him from his denim jacket. He’s not great with faces. He only remembers him from the lightning strike patch sewn onto the lapel. Jaehyun used to have a bunch on his backpack in high school. Small adornments of his false interests. Sports team logos. An American flag. One of a panda he bought to support the WWF, but his driving motivation had been the panda itself.

The man says nothing to Jaehyun, makes a beeline for the counter and asks for a small coffee.

Jaehyun’s clearing the table when the man takes his seat outside. It’s still a tad too chilly to be a reasonable option, but he gets it. He smoked in his senior year of high school until his mom caught him and gave him a reprimanding that he wouldn’t wish on anyone else.

He misses the head rush sometimes, exhaling his stress until it seeped back into his skin. Useless osmosis, but the anxiety sank back in slower than it left him. Delay, while unproductive, is Jaehyun’s forté.

The table is being wiped down when Jaehyun chances a look out to see what the man is doing. He’s on another cigarette. He still smokes them more leisurely than Jaehyun ever did, ever could. The man happens to glance away from his paper cup to make eye contact with him, but Jaehyun looks away.

 

_May 8_

“Are you two the only people who work here?” the man asks on his third visit, when he buys his third coffee.

“No. But for you, yes,” Jaehyun says.

Johnny is silent behind the counter, attending to the drink order of another woman waiting to go. To Jaehyun’s knowledge, Johnny opens the place nearly daily whereas Jaehyun works a sporadic five days of the week.

The man is sitting inside today because of the rain. Droplets fall against the window in an unsatisfying rhythm. Johnny turns up the music indoors to distract from it. A customer forgot to take their umbrella when they left during a dry patch. Jaehyun hopes they’re already home.

For three-quarters of an hour, the man has been reading a paperback, only pausing to take a sip of coffee or strike up the shortest of conversations with Jaehyun. Not a talkative one. That’s okay, neither is Jaehyun.

The title, judging from the cover, is by a French author. Jaehyun wants to ask about it, thinks he saw his friend read it for class once, but that’s all he has to say. To instigate he should have more. He doesn’t assume the man is at all a motormouth.

So Jaehyun wants to say something, but doesn’t. Instead he clears the tables that need it and unloads the dishwasher and resets the decor. Does everything but what he wants to do. The apprehension comes with fear. He doesn’t want to weigh down the decision. It’s unnecessary but it happens.

The man gets halfway through the book before he gets up to leave. Says something about seeing both employees later and pulls his hood up. The umbrella left behind could have been offered. Rain is still falling, unbothered by how gloomy it’s making those below it. It doesn’t even realize.

“That guy’s handsome,” Jaehyun notes as nonchalantly as he can.

“Yeah.” Johnny’s jotting something down. “But his eyes are sad.”

 

_May 17_

Jaehyun wants to ask his name. Worries too much time has passed. Concerned that it’s strange because they’re strangers. Barely acquaintances. The man saunters into the café with a polite smile, a different book in hand.

After his last visit Jaehyun looked up the name of the author. Renowned as a philosopher, mostly. Died in a car accident at a young age. Heavy allegories about French resistance during World War II. Jaehyun took a class on it last year to fulfill a breadth requirement.

“How are you liking the warmer weather?” Jaehyun asks as Johnny pours the man his coffee.

The man looks surprised to be addressed, but doesn’t sound reluctant in his reply. “It’s nice,” he hums. “I like being outside.”

Is it because you don’t have to smoke in the cold? Jaehyun keeps the words at the back of his throat. That goes too far, he thinks. It could sound accusatory without him meaning to. Instead he smiles and nods in acknowledgement.

Unexpectedly, the man continues. “I’m waiting for the fountain to be turned on.” He’s referring to the one out front of the strip of little stores. It has a statue of angel in the centre, donning a cracked stone leg that ages the fountain’s appearance.

“I like to read beside it. The sound is soothing.” The man has his coffee in hand already, but he’s still talking. Jaehyun’s giving him attention with eye contact, keeping his gaze steady but soft. It’s a practiced amount of scrutiny, one he’s picked up from working here in the first place. The kind that’s deferential but amiable. Nothing but what would be considered appropriate.

“I think they’ll turn it on by the end of the month,” Jaehyun answers, although the man gave him nothing but statements.

“That’s good. I prefer the weather now before it gets too hot,” the man says. “My birthday’s in July, but I hate the heat.”

The conversation is splitting into unrelated strands, but it somehow remains to have a point. Jaehyun’s almost unsettled by it.

“What are you reading?” he asks.

“ _The Remains of the Day_ ,” the man responds. It’s the last thing he says to Jaehyun today. Shortly after he checks the time, the face of his watch on the inside of his wrist.

Jaehyun sees lines that make him feel sick. When the man leaves Jaehyun holds his own wrist in a tight grip. He has the scars too, but far fainter.

 

_May 18_

Jaehyun doesn’t care very strongly about things. It’s not that he reveres indifference, doesn’t have a foundation of caring about not caring. He hasn’t found the energy to be fixated on anything for a long time. It’s okay, he’s not unhappy with it. In the meantime he merely feels dulled out. Nothing to do but move forward.

The man’s been smoking much more lately. Had more cigarettes than Jaehyun’s ever seen someone have in one sitting yesterday. Jaehyun or Johnny will have to tell him to take it off property soon.

The times the man comes by have been less busy until now, but eventually it will become an inconvenience. More customers have been opting to sit outside and might complain. Joohyun might say that it’s bad for the plants, but Jaehyun thinks it’s worse than the plants aren’t being bought. The florist is too scary to say such a thing to.

Jaehyun wonders whether he could help the man, somehow. Doesn’t know his situation well enough to broach the topic. The intrusion could be rude. But he can’t stop thinking about it. Made his skin feel tight, stuck to his body. Diagnosed with depression, still dealt with now, the ugliest part overcome. The rest is still unsightly.

What was worse was the loneliness, the ache of being empty. Not alone but lonely, that is. No one to understand. He runs his thumb over his skin when he feels close to being barren again. The grooves healed over but still a reminder.

 

_May 24_

The days between the man’s visits aren’t counted, but Jaehyun doesn’t stop wondering whether the man will come back. When he walks in today, he seems upset, asks for a coffee, and goes to sit on the edge of the still-barren fountain. Johnny raises his eyebrows towards Jaehyun as though to say it’s a relief that they won’t have to tell him to move away from the patio.

Jaehyun’s shift ends before the man leaves, and he walks towards the fountain even though a different route is faster. The paper cup is on the ground, holding cigarette butts and a heap of ash. Seeing the man smoke for the last month or so has given Jaehyun the mild urge to start again. It’d be stupid, considering how he barely has anything leftover after subtracting his school savings and rent.

The man nods at Jaehyun as he passes. Jaehyun’s almost entirely out of his line of vision when he hears him speak softly, but with resentment.

“They’re not turning it back on. It’s getting demolished in September,” the man says, tapping his cigarette against the rim of the cup. “Why not give it the summer?”

Jaehyun agrees, quietly. This might be a cue to stay, continue the conversation, but he doesn’t think he should. Thinks it could be overstepping. Never wants to get more involved.

The man looks up at him, holding the cigarette between the tips of his index finger and thumb. It takes Jaehyun a moment to realize that the rest of the man’s pack is behind held out to him. An innocuous gesture, as far as they go. Barely friendly than it is polite.

Jaehyun doesn’t accept.

 

_June 3_

It’s getting too hot. The man seems dejected, but whether it’s because of the weather Jaehyun is unsure. Today he’s inside again, still reading the book he mentioned a few weeks ago. It’s a fairly short novel but he keeps taking pauses, he explains.

“Why is that?” Jaehyun asks.

“I’m worried it’ll have a sad ending,” the man says. The way his lips jut out is nearly charming. “But I’m more worried it’ll be anticlimactic.”

Jaehyun doesn’t know what to say to that. He shrugs. It seems to be a good enough response for the man whose shoulders rise and fall in a softer echo of the action.

“Would you live the same day over and over again if you knew nothing good would come of the future?” the man then asks.

It takes Jaehyun a few beats to think about it. The man stares at him resolutely. It’s not intimidating, but it carries a pang of impatience.

“No,” Jaehyun decides.

The man laughs. It’s an ugly sound, unlike most of the things Jaehyun has come to know about him. That’s a small inventory, Jaehyun realizes. Maybe he’s on the wrong side of things, if those sides exist at all. At the very least it shouldn’t just be right and wrong. That’s far too dichotomous. Jaehyun would hope he can have more perspectives than that.

 

_June 4_

The man seems to be in much better spirits today. Coffee as usual, but he stays inside. No paperback in hand, just a notebook to which he gives most of his attention. When Jaehyun looks up at him, his face is calm. Catches the glance and they share it. The composure doesn’t falter.

Small upturn of his lips. Lights up the day. Offsets the misgivings. Almost enough to make him try. Is he liable if he does? Approach when he’s barely tugged forward when he would rather be pushed from behind?

Jaehyun’s given a small smile on the man’s way out. He feels his chest constrict.

 

_June 10_

“Where do you think he is?” Jaehyun asks.

Johnny gives him a strange look.

“That regular who always just gets a coffee,” he clarifies. “And smokes outside.”

“Looking for a more comfortable place to read, probably. Don’t think too much of it.” Johnny pauses. “He’s just a customer.”

 

_June 20_

Jaehyun stops by the convenience store two doors down and buys a pack of cigarettes. More expensive than the ones he could afford in high school. Meagre minimum wage back then. Now? Slightly higher than minimum, plus tips left behind on black bill trays.

He lights one on his balcony, barely large enough to fit two bodies. The process is familiar, bringing one end between his lips and the relief that comes with the exhale. Left alone, he’s lonely in the moment. Wants to see the man again, understand him better. Wonders whether this will bring him any closer to doing so.

A pathetic attempt, Jaehyun thinks. Every drag makes something flicker, but he can’t tell if it’s the disorientation or any redeemable thought. Nothing close to a breakthrough. The cigarette dwindles in short time. He has another.

It’s appeasing, almost, to clear his mind like this. Even if it’s with thoughts of someone else. His own worries are as far as he wants them to be. Or he’s found a new vessel for them.

The summer solstice is tomorrow. Longest time of daylight. He wants to revel in it. Knows soon the sun will slip into its other life quicker than before. The one he won’t know unless he moves towards it. Moves towards it with determination. What he’s missing is the conviction.

 

_June 30_

The distant sound of a wailing ambulance wakes Jaehyun from his daydream. It’s getting too warm for his uniform to be comfortable. The cotton is getting even stiffer with the starch. He needs a new one but he doesn’t want it. It’d be another commitment to this job, despite its impermanence. A white button-up does not make a waiter but it’s still an investment.

Someone wanders into the café on the phone ten minutes later. They complain that the subway station closest to them is closed. Unexpectedly, for certain. Otherwise they would have taken a taxi, but the ones surrounding the station are quickly claimed. Better to call one and wait.

When Jaehyun cautiously moves past them to get to another table, they ask him for a latte. Dismissively. Before he can explain that drinks are ordered up front. The customer is the only one here so Jaehyun doesn’t bother correcting them. Again this is a place of convenience. Regulars are rare. This is a place to pass through, not to stake territory.

Jaehyun wishes it wouldn’t all be so temporary. Or at least he wishes he knew when he would move on. Move forward. A direction is important for the future. Implies a plan, rather than an impulse. Most of what he has is impulse. It’d be nice to figure out the unknowns.

The subway station is closed and the customer is upset and Jaehyun brings their latte to them while they are still on the phone. It’s a table at which the man sat once, when it was pouring outside and the rain felt no remorse.

An image of the man walking back, book tucked underneath his sweater because it’s the only shelter he could offer. Jaehyun should have gone after him with an umbrella. The one left behind. No one came to claim it. Johnny took it home one day he forgot his own. It was bright yellow and made Jaehyun wonder how someone could forget its blinding colour.

The man’s reticence would have broken, a smile may have been exchanged, rain droplets falling against Jaehyun’s cheeks as he offers some form of help. Jaehyun should have run out that day. Talked about the novel by the French author. Accepted the cigarette. He wonders if the man will ever be back.

 

_June 31_

Johnny’s stepped out for lunch. It’s a dull time of day, no customers inside. No person to pass by. In case one does, Jaehyun knows enough about the espresso machine and milk frothing to get by. It’s half an hour, he should be okay.

The store’s small enough for one person to survey in its entirety. Another’s just necessary to pass the time. If the music is turned off and the conversation is halted the faintest sound of a ticking clock can be heard. Hangs in the employee room, where Jaehyun tosses his things if he’s coming straight from class.

Jaehyun wonders whether he’ll leave the café before Johnny. He hopes so, because he’d rather have a major change than a smaller one. A familiar environment disturbed is more unsettling than one entirely new.

The bell attached to the doorframe jingles. It’s a delicate, tinkling sound, usually not loud enough to be heard over more than two conversations happening amongst patrons. Jaehyun looks up from the register. He was absentmindedly scrolling through the previous day’s journal.

The man wears a smile much brighter than Jaehyun’s ever seen on him. Jaehyun almost leaps over the counter to get to him. He walks around it instead.

“Sorry, did I keep you waiting?” the man asks.

“Yes,” Jaehyun admits, finally.

“I’m Taeyong.”

A name, at last, gives some closure to Jaehyun’s helpless curiosity. It nags at him, but he’s not one to go out of his way for any morbid detail if it’s not essential to his knowledge. Could either be self-control or laziness. He blames whichever’s convenient, but it’s fine because he finally knows _something_ , even if it had to be handed to him.

“I’m sorry, Taeyong,” Jaehyun says, to the other’s surprise. “There’s so much I’ve wanted to say. I shouldn’t have taken this long.”

Taeyong laughs, shakes his head. “It’s fine. I won’t hold it against you, Jaehyun.” When Jaehyun looks puzzled, Taeyong helpfully points to the name tag that’s been on his lapel the whole time. It hasn’t been a point of interest until now, but Jaehyun feels embarrassed nonetheless. “What was it you wanted to say?”

“I want to know you better. I know this is out of nowhere but I can’t help it.” Jaehyun’s breath is nearly ragged, like he’s just run to get here. His voice is growing hoarse and it’s terrifying. “Anything you want or need. Let me help.”

The strength in his chest and legs seems to have been stolen away. Jaehyun folds at the knees and nearly wheezes. Taeyong bends to stay eye-level with him. Puts a hand over where his heart is. This minimal contact is still comforting. The clouds outside move slowly past the sun and let shadow cross into the store. Taeyong is still beautiful, even shrouded, blue smoke ascending from his shoulders like he’s reached a boiling point.

“I’m okay. Going forward,” Taeyong says. Has the same smile he came in with. Jaehyun wants to prolong the moment but it’s fleeting and they’re both aware. He wishes he could make sure that Taeyong’s smile isn’t so ephemeral. It’s agonizing to have no control.

Jaehyun gently wraps his hands around Taeyong’s wrists, looks at him steely-eyed for confirmation. Taeyong nods and Jaehyun leans forward, smelling cigarette smoke on his clothing and it’s too familiar. They kiss and Jaehyun wishes he could have been here all along. Ceiling becomes sky and he feels his heart moving slowly with the clouds.

Taeyong, soon to burn out, nicotine on his lips that leaves Jaehyun addicted. When they’re apart Jaehyun can see how every exhale of Taeyong’s becomes pastel touching the air. Each breath is azure and lavender. Jaehyun sees the sparks pop and return to darkness. Minuscule fireworks that light him up inside. He feels envious of cigarettes.

 

_July 1_

Whatever hollowness Jaehyun thought was fundamental to his being is missing. A vacuity gone away is unusual because it’s been filled with something else. Maybe it’s compassion. Condolences and care for something or someone that exists outside of himself. Keeping him tethered to reality. Out of his reveries.

There’s a stack of newspapers on the counter when Jaehyun walks in this morning. The windows need cleaning, the glass smothered with dust. It won’t let all the sunlight through. It’s too early not to enjoy the daytime. Jaehyun feels renewed today. A desire to complete all he can. He woke up fully rested for once.

With a nod towards Johnny, consumed as ever by his own business, he returns from the convenience store with vinegar. Between the predictable morning and afternoon needs for coffee, when the store is almost guaranteed to be empty, Jaehyun swipes a newspaper off the pile and rips out page by page. He tries to recall the exact formula for window cleaner. Half part vinegar to four parts water.

The texture of the paper helps scrub out the stains. Inked down words too, each letter refining into renewal. He wants the glass to sparkle from afar. Send a message about the revelation he’s had. Sheet by sheet he’ll get there.

Birthdays and obituaries on page eight. Jaehyun’s eyes scan the page. His pupils shake. He shouldn’t have.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this wasn't too strange? sometimes i need my big elaborate universes and parade of characters but sometimes i also need to project and pander until i get to a conclusion. i know the ending here is ambiguous but i promise it's purposeful and not just an attempt to be confusing...think what you'd like, that's all i want as well.
> 
> the two books taeyong's mentioned to be reading are _the outsider_ by albert camus and _the remains of the day_ by kazuo ishiguro. [mika](https://twitter.com/yunohsgf) sent me the original prompt and this isn't where i expected to take it but writing it felt cathartic. ily.
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/ten7s) | [curiouscat](http://curiouscat.me/idlesong) | [wip list](http://sihyun.carrd.co#wip)


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